The Bar Code’s Must-Read Craft-Cocktail Spoof

We all love our craft cocktails, but there’s no denying the trend can get a bit foolish at times. Here are nine cocktails I’ve “created” that poke fun at the drinks—and we bartenders who make them.

The “Locavore Overkill”: Organic, locally sourced gin; hand-squeezed heirloom lemon juice from a varietal that was thought extinct until some dedicated farmer found some seeds and raised his own crop; housemade cherry bitters made from the finest Rainier cherries we found at the farmers market; garnished with nasturtium petals from this vacant lot just a few blocks away. Seriously, let me show you the GoogleMaps coordinates, it’s practically next door! $16.

The “Our Bartender Just Got a Subscription to Imbibe ”: Watch as we attempt to resurrect yet another “pre-Prohibition” cocktail that died out because no one actually wants to drink creme de menthe any more. $13.

The “From Bad to Worse”: Well tequila mixed with a combination of creme de cacao and muddled cucumber. Shaken and strained into an absinthe-rinsed glass, garnished with blue-cheese-stuffed olives. $13.

The “Don’t Check the Price Tag”: It’s the finest sidecar you’ve ever tried: Kelt XO Cognac, Grand Marnier “Cuvée Spéciale Cent Cinquantenaire,” blood-orange juice, and fair-trade turbinado sugar served in a Swarovski crystal chalice. $45.

The “Dealer’s Choice—Too Bad the Dealer Doesn’t Give a Shit”: We’re going to ask you a bunch of questions about what you like to drink, and then make you whatever the hell we made for the last person who ordered this drink. $12.

The “Named After a Celebrity, So You’re Going to Order It Without Reading the Description and Then Complain About It”: Seriously, this text is utterly meaningless. You just think Channing Tatum is hot. $12.

The “Bacon Is Still Popular, Right?”: Why the hell are we putting bacon-infused vodka into a drink? Because BACON! $13.

The “Homemade Vodka Soda”: Apparently owning a SodaStream allows us to charge $12 for this. Who knew?

The “Lack of Creativity”: It’s a beer and a shot of whiskey. Yeah, you should probably try one of those other drinks, but they have all kinds of fancy names and ingredients, and I think one of them has egg whites in it. A can of PBR and a shot of Old Crow sounds just fine. $9.

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