The time has come, folks. Soon your neighbor, Terry, will be trying to pawn off his wife’s “special” deviled eggs. And with those eggs will come the opportunity to reflect on this wonderful nation’s history. If you are anything like me, then each Fourth of July you may be asking yourself, “How do I pack all the freedom into just one day?” Well, fear not, my dear reader, for I have made this easy to follow 8-step guide on how to get the most bang for your buck this Fourth of July.
1. Buy fireworks. Not the wussy ones . . . the real big fuckers.
2. Get rid of your healthcare policy. There is nothing more American than not having health insurance.
3. Eat all of your neighbor’s deviled eggs. You know what? They’re actually pretty good!
4. Drink A LOT of cheap beer. Duh.
5.Listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Don’t worry, it’s still in the CD player.
6. Yell. A LOT.
7. Drink more cheap beer. You’re not getting any younger.
8. Go to your nearest Walmart and buy the biggest, most expensive American flag you can find. Because you know what, buddy? Freedom ain’t free, bro.
Aaron Roden is the host of KIRORadio.com’s Air-Raid Podcast, which can be found on iTunes, on any decent podcast player, or just at air-raid.net. Seattle Weekly does not suggest following any of his advice; we only let him write this column to be nice after he filled in as our cover model for this week's print edition.