Crabby Cougar Seeks Randy Cub

Dear Dategirl,

While I cringe at the whole "cougar" thing, I am increasingly interested in finding a younger guy for a recurring sexual relationship. Does this only exist on bad Lifetime TV? I don't even know how to go about finding one, and frankly, the idea of sitting alone in a bar to meet guys makes my throat close up.

How can a civilized lady make this happen? It seems like there is a whole older woman/younger guy thing happening in porn culture, which makes me think there must be a lot of interested guys around. But how do you find them? And how should I screen them?

—Wannabe Cougar

I'm going to admit to a certain amount of bias here: If you were an elder dude writing me about the shortage of sweet young tail, I'd be giving you some serious side-eye right about now. But since the world is stacked against the older woman/younger dude pairing, I'll give you a hand. I mean, how many times do we see rickety old dudes rocking it out with nubiles young enough to be their granddaughters? Answer: allthefuckingtime. Enough.

But first, can we retire the word "cougar?" Please? Men routinely date and marry women multiple decades younger than themselves, and there's no term for that. But a woman of a certain age hooking up with a hot young thang is so unthinkable that it warrants a lame name? I think not. So go on, Mrs. Robinson.

Please be warned, though, that not everything that happens in porn is a go in real life, otherwise my UPS deliveries would be far more interesting. Which is not to say it doesn't happen, but obviously not as often as the other way around. The times I've wound up with a younger guy—including my current situation—it was just by chance.

I would first look online. Normally I'd recommend going niche, but those sites all have idiotic names like "Cougar Life" or "Date a Cougar," and seem fairly scammy. Instead, poke around Match or OkCupid and see who seems open to a more seasoned broad. I would say 28-ish is the optimal age for any conquest, because they're young enough not to be on the marriage/baby track, yet hopefully mature enough that you're not constantly looking for the "mute" button.

Maybe you, like Stella, can get your groove back with a vacation fling—my friend "E" met her decade-younger husband that way. Or perhaps take a page from Madonna's and J-Lo's book—maybe not shack up with a backup dancer (unless you have one), but look around the office. Yes, I know that's horrible advice, but as long as you're not the boss of each other, who cares? Susan Sarandon met (her now-ex) Tim Robbins on the job.

But mostly I'd urge you not to limit yourself. Yes, younger men have that sweet, tender flesh, unravaged by time and life's million little disappointments, and are able to get hard at even a fleeting thought of a booby. But older dudes have their fine points as well: Better credit, and he makes up for limitless boners with actual working knowledge of a lady's bod. Also—those cool hairs growing out of his ears!

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