Why Would He Lie?

Dear Dategirl,

I met a guy named Dave just before I went to rehab. He liked me a lot when we first met, but as per usual, I messed it up because I was in a terrible space. Even though I fucked it up, we stayed in contact, and just before I left for rehab, he was contacting me often. When I left, I sent an e-mail to about 20 people, including him, saying I’ll be away for a month and can only be reached via e-mail. I didn’t mention where I’d be.

Rehab ended up taking three months, and he obviously thought I wasn’t interested. He tried to see me a couple times after, but I declined with excuses every time because I was embarrassed about my financial status. He is very well off. Still, he drunk-texted me about a month ago, but I didn’t see the text until the following morning. I responded and we started chatting. The conversation went all sexy, and I invited him to a dinner party I was having for friends. He replied saying that would be lovely, but that he has a girlfriend and we both know how the evening would end if we were to see each other. I asked who he was seeing, and he said it was a mutual friend of ours named Melissa.*

But yesterday I saw him walking with a girl who I recognized as Gail*, a friend of my friend Jenny.* So I asked Jenny if she knows Gail is dating Dave*, and she said yes, it’s been going on for a while. I’ve obviously seen his Facebook page, where there are loads of photos of him with Gail, but none with Melissa, the woman he told me he was seeing! Why would he lie and say he was dating Melissa when he’s really seeing Gail? Am I stupid? I don’t understand.

—Trying to Keep Track

Honey, for all you know, he’s seeing Melissa and Gail. While stringing along three girls from the same group of friends isn’t a particularly bright move, the dick wants what the dick wants. But why this liar is lying (or this player is playing) is unimportant. You need to step back, get hold of yourself, and forget about men for a while.

There’s a reason they advise people fresh out of recovery to forgo dating for an entire year, and it’s not because they’re mean and want you to die of loneliness. It’s because you need time to get your shit together, and that’s nearly impossible if all your brainpower is wasted trying to figure out if Dave is fucking Gail or Melissa. Or Mitzi or Mona or Meghan, for that matter. You’re going to need to be at the height of sanity and self-confidence when you jump back into the dating pool, because that crap will make you crazy.

And what’s with the rehab secrecy? I’m not saying you need to print posters announcing that you went, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Catherine Zeta-Jones has been to rehab. Russell Brand! Gerard Butler! And so many glamorous others. You were smart enough to ask for help, and you got it.

So instead of worrying about some dude, buy yourself a vibrator, dial up the meetings and/or therapy, and concentrate on regaining some of that swagger. You’re going to need it.


Want more? Listen to Judy on The Mike & Judy Show, follow her tweets @HitOrMissJudy, or buy her new book, The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock ’n’ Roll Lists.

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