Anchorage is the place to go for St. Patrick's Day. The Anchorage Assembly voted this week to let bars close at 4 a.m. (yes, 4 a.m.) Friday and Saturday nights instead of 3 a.m. This is because some of the larger bars in Alaska's biggest city, such as DUI-inducing Chilkoot Charlie's -- where bouncers have names like "Breaking Wind" -- typically have 300 to 400 drunks pouring into the streets at closing time. So now, all the drunks will come pouring out en mass at 4 a.m.
To those of us sick to death of hearing that sickly euphemism, usually elided out of politeness, "He has issues with alcohol, with relationships, with his teddy bear, and so on and so on, don't miss William Zinsser's short essay collected in The Writer Who Stayed. In one essay, he writes:
"Toddlers have sandbox issues. Issues are what used to be called the routine hills and bumps of getting from morning to night. They have been around a long time; Job had issues. By calling them issues we wrap ourselves in the palliative language of therapy. We no longer phone or visit friends who are in trouble; we reach out to them. That way we can find closure."
Scott Prouty told MSNBC's Ed Schultz (now banished to weekend duty, we can gladly report) that he's an Independent and that no political motivations entered into his decision to tape the speech.
"The day in and day out struggle of everyday Americans -- that guy has no idea," Prouty said.
Then, dripping with unctuousness, he added, ""The election wasn't even that close. I think he needs to take personal responsibility for his campaign, take personal responsibility for the words he said, and move forward."
The Yankees are working on a new streak of 20 consecutive winning seasons, notes Grantland, an excellent sports website, with a keenly observant and literary bent. "They've won at least 87 games for 17 straight years, a major league record. They reached the postseason 13 straight years from 1995 to 2007, and they've been playoff-bound in 17 of the last 18 years, both streaks unmatched in baseball history.
"Given that Yankees fans graduating high school this year have missed just one October in their lifetime, it's easy to assume that the way it has always been is the way it will always be. But the Yankees have fallen off their perch before, and they may be about to fall off their perch again." Thought you'd be pleased to hear that.
We conclude our special Ides of March report with a splendidly spiteful tale. A woman in British Columbia appears to have held the angriest garage sale ever, dumping all her cheating husband's possessions into her driveway before selling them off.
"Husband left us for a piece of trash, selling everything while he is gone this weekend with his floozie," she posted on Craigslist.
She sold off the sofas, his fishing rods and, our favorite line, "Lots of tools which he didn't have a clue how to use."
It gets better.
"I want the house empty on Monday when he returns because that will be a shock for him to see," her wonderfully vindictive note continues. "So come pick out what you would like Saturday and Sunday at 8 a.m.
"Don't come too early (like he did) because I will be thoroughly enjoying some wine with my girlfriends this evening as we clean out all this stuff and likely be nursing hangovers in the morning. So please speak softly to the ladies wearing the sunglasses."
The ad discouraged clothes-buyers, "as we will have already burned those in the driveway," but it did offer to let visitors see the pile of ashes.